So. I poop. (yeah, I said that).
Gotta be honest. Kind of freaks me out to tell you. But I’m committed to doing so because I think it will be freeing for me to let you know. 😉
See, I’ve always been a pretty private person. ESPECIALLY when it comes to bodily functions, which are just embarrassing and “don’t belong in polite conversation”. I know, ridiculous right? But whatever you’re thinking about my prudishness, my family got there first. They loved to tease me in this. Two brothers and two sisters who for some reason found it quite comfortable to explore various “movement” schedules with each other. I swear, they all came out of the womb as 75-year-olds in their fascination with this topic.
Not me. I’d roll my eyes, cover my ears and walk out of the room until they changed the subject. It’s no surprise that, being siblings, they often brought it up around me just to get a reaction. Even my mom got in on it.
I’ll never forget the last day of a vacation years ago. I had to leave earlier than everyone else and, the morning of my flight, mom announced they’d gotten a gift for me. I was so touched. While everyone gathered expectanty, I unwrapped the lovely package to find…a fake DOG POOP keychain. WHAT?
If you’ve not met any of my family, this may sound a bit cruel. In fact though, it was a perfect gift, designed to elicit a chuckle whenever I remember that week together. As I recall, one of them had been suffering from (cover your ears) constipation, which then became a frequent discussion point for everyone, requiring repeated and continual updates as the week went on. Each day they’d find fresh new ways to bring the issue into the conversation and then high five each other while I rolled my eyes and got squeamish.
Truth be told, I was not-so-secretly entertained by the lengths they would go in this. Had I been genuinely hurt they would have ceased immediately. Instead, it was an opportunity for shared laughter and creativity. Even today, this ugly little keychain can serve as a reminder that I’m loved. I’m special and I belong.
And so it is with God…
He’s using something I find unpleasant to show me something beautiful.
Through a season of disappointments, defeats and even dismay, He’s been uncovering a whole new layer of insecurity in me. I’d thought I was healed of all of that! So, just as I did with my siblings years ago, I often want to run away and scream “it’s ugly, don’t talk about it, I don’t want to know…” But, God knows what He’s doing. If I put down the TV remote, glass of wine or whatever other escape mechanism I’m using long enough, I’m able to see glimpses of what He’s really wanting me to see: my True Identity.
His goal all along has been for me to know, to experience, just how special I truly am. At my core. Not because my family believes it, not because of what I do or what I have or anything I can control. But because He, the God of the universe, who created EVERYTHING, created me. On purpose. FOR a purpose. In HIS image. In over-the-top LOVE. For me.
I am lavishly loved, completely accepted, perfectly enough, just as He planned, a MASTERPIECE. Think of a master artist laboring with love over his creation to get it just right. Michelangelo’s David — or the Sistine Chapel. He had a vision and wasn’t resting until it was perfect. “YES! FINISHED!! It’s JUST what I want it to look like”. This is absolutely, 100% Who. We. Are. God’s one-of-a-kind, meticulous attention-to-detail, pivotal work. He created us, THEN He rested.
But it’s a battle…
It’s not at all easy to rest in this belief. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this fight and I’ve wanted to write this blog for a while — to say “me too” and “here’s what God is showing me, maybe it’ll help you.”
But doing so means I must fight the fears of rejection which led to my being a “private person” in the first place.
These fears have chained me with perfectionism leading to procrastination and ultimately, blogstipation.
To get free, we must fight insecurity with that which brings insecurity.
That’s my fight. What’s yours?
You’ll know it because God keeps bringing it up. Maybe it’s a new relationship you’re afraid to initiate, a desired job promotion, an improved health regimen. In everything from finding a church to tackling the kitchen junk drawer, we can let the desire for perfection shut us down from taking any risk at all, making any decision or embarking on any new path. And we lose out on the full life God designed specifically for us.
Giving into our fears only strengthens them. Instead, I’m going on the on the attack. No more being chained by fear and perfectionism. I’m waging war against what tells me I’m not enough and instead I’m going to ACT on the Truth that says I AM.
Or, as my brothers and sisters might have said, “don’t worry, be crappy.”
Love and rest in HIS worth.
Until next time,